Salvage what’s left (and leave the rest of me behind)

It seems like it’s over

When you can’t find the four leafed clover

And it feels like the end

When nothing takes all the time you want to spend.

-

And I wait in silence

For the moment you’ll throw me a glance

And shine a smile upon my face

Taking me to a better place

 -

It feels like the sky is falling

And my feelings for you are crawling

Into the shade

The special place I have made

 -

And I’m walking on air

When there’s no place for despair

I’ll grab on

To our bond that seems to be gone.

 -

It seems like our love is dying

But for your sake I’ll keep trying

Breathe new life into the shadow of my fear

Just so you know that I am here.

Stupidity or evolution?

Back when I was a freshman in high school (yeah, it’s that far back in my past), well, actually way back, when I was in middle school, I always was told about the students older than me, how they are so awesome, how their achievements within the various school Olympiads meant something, how we would never grow up to be like them, how they were 100x better than us, how our behavior, our knowledge, the time spent studying was zero compared to theirs.

But then, we finished high school, and I’ve seen my teachers cry as we walked out of the school, I’ve seen them shed tears for losing us. I’ll be honest, my family didn’t cry for me, and my teachers did. I guess we actually did grow on them, didn’t we? We were appreciated…

And now, the next generation, of course they’ll be told what we were told, but… Apparently, neither of them seem to have made a good impression, they seem not to be able to live up to the expectations our teachers had from us. Ever since I left middle school I was faced with the… Doubtful behavior (so to speak) of the ones younger than me. I mean, what the fuck man, we were bad but not that bad. Such a high degree of depravation, the lack of any fundamental morality, and above all, the abominable stupidity… I start to lose my hope in humanity… Or, well, in its progress.

Where is the progress we were supposed to have, yes, I have my doubts even about my own int elect, about my morality, about anything and everything I stand for, about the fact that I judge the others without maybe remembering that I was once one like them… But am I stupid / ignorant / hypocritical / blind / narrow minded for actually thinking that they have no hope, that I think that I’m better than them?

It’s everywhere… And I… Feel more and more isolated, in a world full of people who are morally opposed to me, all in all, the small glimmer of hope still shines… The fewer and fewer young “mutants” that seem not to respect the pattern.

The first time.

“How’re you?” He asked as he laid his hand over her shoulder.

“I… I… I d-…on’t know” She muttered, wiping the already cold tears imprinted on her cheeks.

“You know… This happened to me as well, I know how you feel, I still remember how I felt my first time.” He tried to comfort her, sitting next to her.

“But you’re a man, you… You’re supposed to handle it better…” She moaned as she begun to cry once again, just as she seemed to be a bit more calm “There was just too much blood, I couldn’t handle it”

“There’s nothing you could’ve possibly done, dear, when he entered, it had been already too late” He continued, calmly, while gently caressing her back.

“But I couldn’t do anything to help ease the pain, I failed, I’m worthless” She exploded, shouting her lungs out, holding her head in her palms, tears flowing in between her fingers, down her wrists.

“I lost five up until now, but you get used to it in time, I don’t think I can’t make the guilt go away, I just can’t, that, only you alone, can deal with.” He ended as he got up from the bench. “I’ll leave you to tend to your thoughts, but, don’t be too harsh on yourself, there was nothing you could’ve done”

“Thanks” she muttered, wiping her red cheeks dry, sighing. “But why did it have to be me? Up until this day I thought I was prepared, if something went wrong, if it would be too late, I’d be ready to put up with it. But being faced with the situation seems to have been too much, all the pain and the blood, I was simply paralyzed.” She thought once again, remembering the moment when it all happened.

“But then… He was barely breathing when he got in” She comforted herself thinking it over “And his chest was totally torn apart, he was barely conscious, but there was something in his eyes, that beckoned me, and yet I didn’t have the power to do anything. Maybe it was the faith I saw in him, even though he was in that condition, or the desperate plea, that seemed to ask me to do something ” She thought as she started to cry again.

And then a beep. She shook, scared, being disturbed while digging through her own thoughts. She knew the moment the pager rang that it was time. She got up, wiping her tears once again, blowing her nose, knowing she had to face him once again, it was the time for his funeral.

The end that marks the new beginning.

So, in about 12 hours the exam will begin. The first trial, while I’ve been bashing religion more than I could possibly have expected, I feel that, now is the moment to cling to my beliefs in divinity, to ask for forgiveness, and mercy, and beg for help, strength, and clarity in thoughts.

But then again, we are nothing more than the things we want to be, and I, myself, will be nothing more than I pretended to be, the half-assed believer that hates religion while admitting the existence of  a superior being, a God, if you will.

I can only proceed with faith in who I am, and in what I’ll do. Healers, on your toes, I’m gonna tank it!

Joker

Why so sad? Let’s put a smile on that face

Let’s dress those legs with lace

Tie your hands behind your back

Impair your legs and smoke some crack.

-

Let us laugh at our feeble attempt!(Ha!Ha!Ha!)

This is the only way you can repent.

I have tied you down but you should know this thing

Without you…well…I am nothing

 -

I love to hear you scream and shout and coil

I adore your burdened movement filled with turmoil

So settle down my love, and smile

Cause I haven’t seen it in a while.

 -

I seem to find your hate amusin’

And you might notice from the tone I’m usin’

That the hate you feel that drives you so insane

Will do you nothing good, it will only cause you pain.

 -

Tortured soul, who tries to justify its hatred

Wasn’t I the one that you created?

So lay down, now, my love and sleep

Feel those wounds that scar you deep.

 -

Your bonds will tighten, as you’ll scream in pain

Oh! No, my dear this is not a game

Now kiss my lips, I’ll let you go

Before this building starts to blow.

 -

A harmony, a dance of flames, a song

We’ll dance a tango, hold me strong

Entwined with death you’ll hold my hand

And together we shall leave this land.

 -

Your face… Burned, and charred so deep

Your frown, your screams, so cold and steep

And finally… Before our deaths I see a trace

Of the smile I’ve put on that face.

Introspection.

The sun is so bright… I thought. And then, a flash, and something, something pushed me, sent me spinning towards the sky, spinning, I couldn’t tell up from down, or left from right… and then… I stopped. It seemed as if, for a mere moment, everything has stopped around me. And then, I fell, aimlessly I plunged towards the ground, barely conscious, I close my eyes and felt the wind grazing my ears, blowing my hair, as I got closer, I was feeling it, closer!, Faster!, Faster!!, CLOSER!! and then… the ground. Unconsciously, I felt the blow, my body screaming in pain, even though my brain, drunk with adrenaline, didn’t. I couldn’t scream, nor move a leg, an arm, a finger, not even blink an eye, not even move it, not even breathe…

I felt how I was drifting away into the darkness, I felt it eating me, it was so heavy, like I was in an ocean of tar, struggling to reach to the surface, I fainted. Again, I woke up, standing with a torch in my hand, it was cold, and it seemed as if the darkness was trying to catch me, to pour down on the light of my torch and extinguish it. Around me, slimy, muddy, brick-made walls, a room, and a doorway, open towards what seemed to  be a light, a tiny light, at the end of the bottoms of hell, not everybody’s hell, my hell. I took a step, insecure, not being able to rely on my numb legs, and just as I raised the foot, I heard a splash… The darkness was under me as well, it felt like I was walking in the air surrounded by an ocean of darkness. Carelessly, I started walking slowly outside the room.

As I walked out of the room, Darkness… I was surrounded by it, drowned by it, suffocated by it,it was the embodiment of all my fears, the source of all my demons, and all I was able to see was darkness. It was so scary, and so heavy on me, I barely could stand.I was hyperventilating, with my back on the darkness underneath me,  I was trying to find a spark of hope, as the torch in my hand seemed to lose its light and the darkness seemed to grow more fond of me, trying to entangle me , to pull me in, as arms were raising, wrapping around my body, trying to pull me in. But then, the light, a small flicker of hope in the end of this darkness, it was as if the light was giving me hope, calling me towards it. As I smiled watching it, my torch glowed brighter, and I started breathing again, it seemed as if I was saved.

[... To be continued ... Pay attention for updates ...]

Sibling Love

Well, knowing that I have no siblings what could I talk about them?

True it’s a rather complicated topic because there are siblings that go along together well while on the other hand there are other cases where they simply hate each other. But after all whose fault is it? I can think of some factors like certain moments in life, or rather the character of the children, as in both being competitive, for example, which could cause a very competitive environment between them, leading in a feud that would possibly last for all their lives.

But then again, there’s the parents, the pillars and role-models of our youth. Sadly in their attempt to raise the perfect little images of what they believe a perfect person they tend to create a favorite out of one of their siblings, hurting the other(s) in the process. Why do phrases like “Why can’t you be a lot more like your sister?” , “Why can’t you do something with your life like your brother does?”, “We’ve never had this kind of trouble with your brother when he was your age” seem so familiar when talking about two, equally intelligent siblings, treated differently because of the difference in their characters? Why can those images not be changed in order not to hurt either of their feelings? Can our parents not realize that by deliberately hurting their kids, they are not doing anything but turning their children against themselves? And after all why would somebody treat two different persons the same way? Some questions I can’t answer, and maybe, some I don’t want to know the answer of. But then again, at least I’m allowed to wonder.

I want my mommy…

Needless to say, once in a lifetime, any of us will use that phrase.  And maybe, but just maybe, regardless of how much we might resent/hate/despise our parents in one particular moment in our lives, we all should remember the importance our parents play in our lives.

Let’s go somewhere in your past… No not when you were kids, further, when you were in your mothers’ wombs. Since then, your mother’s life didn’t become her own any more, she started dedicating it for helping you grow up. As a side note I am aware that there are abandoned children, or children who are aborted, but I am talking about normal cases now, not the notorious exceptions. So, she carries you in her womb, from when you were but some chromosomes lining up to create the being you are today. Your mother (and maybe father, in those exceptionally happy cases) live the rest of their lives for your well being (of course for theirs as well, but mainly for yours). All they do, they work in order to provide you the best future they could think of.

So, I was thinking, maybe you were thinking about it too, eh… Yeah, I still think I need to emphasize the importance our parents play in our lives. Yes, sometimes they are indisputably uncomprehending,  been there done that, but seriously, let’s try to put ourselves in their positions. I doubt they want us to be unhappy, or to feel bad, and sometimes they go through all sorts of lengths in order to satisfy our needs. But yet, we loathe them, and in such an ungrateful manner, we seem to forget all they’ve done for us over the course of our years spent under their protective wings.

So, yes, I say this because I might not be the best child my parents could have, I don’t always respect what they do for me, and maybe a few words written down on a god damned web blog page won’t help me atone for the mistakes I’ve done, but yet, I want you all, even if there might be some older that have already left their childhood homes, remember what your parents mean, all they’ve done for you, and realise we’d be nowhere without them, and maybe the day you, yourselves will be parents, you’ll be more understanding about your children’s mistakes.

Farewell.

You’ve left among us

And all you left behind was dust

A saddening and grievous howl is echoing

As they put you down into the ground.

The trees were screaming

And to forget your presence now we must

You’ve left among us.

-

Our tears have soaked the earth on top your grave

Covered in roses now you leave

In the earth you will return from where you came

With you, again, we’ll meet the day we’ll also leave.

-

Your light has faded from the world

But now, more than it ever was

It’s ever daunting in our hearts

You’ll never leave, even though you aren’t here.

Under your light we’ll put together missing parts

And then, chipped, our hearts might mend in time

After your light has faded from the world.

Rehab.

Lying on the cold bathroom floor

Light, only, coming

From the splintered wooden door

In agony, I’m moaning.

-

It’s just so dark right now.

Not even the shadows,

I try to gather in my arms,

Seem to be here any more.

-

It’s cold without you.

Another drop, please!

Pour it on my outstretched tongue,

To bring this wicked soul some ease.

-

Let some of you inside my vein.

To flow into

My heart that seems to stop.

And let it beat again, and pump you in my brain.

-

Oh it’s all so cold without you.

The thirst seems not to stop.

I shout again for one more drop.

Let your tears drop into my open eyes.

-

Please, hear my baleful cries

An stick the needle in my arm

Not even the shadows seem to be here any more.

And I’m just lonely to my very core.